v's virtual vacuum
September 12, 2003
Emotional babble
spacey just pointed out that I haven't mentioned Gorgeous for a while. Uncanny really - cos I did mention him in my entry about musical taste but it got gobbled up by IE so I had to revert to the original version sans Gorgeous.Meanwhile back at the ranch, he and I had a long chat online last night.
I've been feeling decidedly paranoid since I came back from our meeting three weeks ago. I knew in advance of the meeting that he was very busy at work and was leading up to a pretty hideous few weeks of chaos, but I still refused to accept that as the explanation when I started to hear from him less and less. Isn't paranoia wonderful. This was the point at which I had to tread carefully. I am famed for stomping all over relationships and suffocating people that I really want to spend time with, even friends, I am a very demanding friend a lot of the time, maybe it stems from being an only child? Anyway - I was trying really really hard not to get hyped up about hearing from Gorgeous slightly less often (by that I mean I was still getting a few texts from him every day and an email every other day or so, hardly infrequent!), however I had it in my head that he hadn't really liked what he'd seen when we met and he was trying to let me down gently. So I was getting more and more stressed out and not sure how to confront it and I was trying to deal with all the emotions of the end of a "relationship" in advance of the event so that I wouldn't be quite so hurt when it did come to an end. WHAT AN ARSE. For a reasonably intelligent human being I am a complete emotional retard.
In short - Gorgeous is fine, as Gorgeous as ever, and nothing has changed in terms of how he feels about me (however that is - I haven't got that brave yet)and he's told me to stop worrying and stop walking on eggshells and that he loves chatting to me and hearing from me and and and. So phew. He's busy with work but is still his lovely Gorgeous self. And I really do like him very very much. But I have no idea what to do now. He lives ages away, he doesn't live alone, it's not ideal for me to visit and stay over with him and I have invited him to come and stay with me but also feel bad making him travel all that way after a long and hectic week at work. We're friends rather than anything else, but I'd very much like for there to be something else in this but it just doesn't seem likely. Maybe if we get to spend a longer period of time together we'll know if there is likely to be something different, but his friendship is something I really cherish and appreciate and I don't want to ruin that in any way shape or form.
gosh that was a big old ramble wasn't it? Does that sort of explain it sonia? I could go round and round in circles on this one and although I am happy to be honest, I don't really want to make a complete arse of myself here in terms of emotional spillage about something that isn't actually happening (yet). Ugh. I need to lay down now I think.