v's virtual vacuum
Thursday, Jan. 15, 2004
Happy birthday Jo xxx
It's joey's birthday today bless her. She's the friend I have known the longest. We met when we were 16 and doing our A levels and have been through several boyfriends and marriages and house moves and illnesses and jobs and stuff together. When we were at college we were both doing theatre studies. And now? She's an aromatherapy massage expert and i am an unemployed ex board director. Whatever happened to all that creative promise?For me it pretty much curled up and died whilst at college I think. Whereas at school I had been "the best" you know - always being cast with with whichever part I auditioned for. But I got to college and was in a class full of other people that had also been "the best" in their school and I couldn't cope with the competition.
I've never been competitive, I am passionate about stuff, don't get me wrong, I care, but I am not competitive. I guess the logic kicks in and takes over at some point. I often feel ashamed of winning. I know I felt terribly guilty getting promoted as much as I did in my previous workplace and then getting elected to board and being given shares. Just couldn't handle it - felt almost ashamed. How fucked up is that?
So yeah, to competitive bit just isn't there in my genetic makeup and I lost my confidence and couldn't face applying to drama school for fear of rejection. Imagine really wanting to do something your whole life and never going htrough with it incase someone told you that you had got it wrong and that you actually weren't any good. That would suck.
So instead I got a job straight after my a levels and didn't like that, then got another job, and another and another and another, and finally went to university to study maths. WTF?! how far removed from drama and theatre studies is that?!
Ah well. It's never too late :)
so my darling joey. we''re 34 now. and we still don't know what we want to do when we grow up eh? For your birthday I give you much love and a dose of courage. Just go for it - whatever you choose. and if you get it. save me a piece.