v's virtual vacuum
Thursday, Apr. 08, 2004
does this explain it?
him:i'm off to the gym again today.....although it's surprising i'm not built like charles atlas with all the baggage i'm carrying around (apparently) ;)
me:
I wondered if you'd read that or not
him:
Of course I read it, because contrary to what you might be thinking I still like you and I care about what your now having to deal with.
I don't think any of my other friends have publicly slagged me of on the internet..but I supose they all have known me a while in the flesh and now generally trust that my intententions are good and would never knowingly hurt anyone.
If you cast your mind back I offered you honest answers to any questions you had about the weekend...but it seems you chose to go down the more "familiar" path of paranoia and feeding your fears.
So in an attempt to drag you back into the real world....here is Pitochry 101...from my side of things;
BTW...sorry in advance for the lenght of the PM.
Basically I'm a bit of a romantic at heart and I was genuinly excited about the prospect of meeting someone who I seemed to have a genuine rappore with.
When we met at the train station and saw the real Vanoonoo, there were no real surprises for me (other than you were a bit taller than I had imagined) I can see why you're a bit fixated on guys height! ;)
I felt we got on like a house on fire...kinda like old mates...the problem being, thats all it felt like...none of the "spark", "x-factor" or whatever you want to call it that has previously lured me the way of the bedroom olympics.
Perhaps a slightly less honourable guy (in a 14 month dry spell) would have just went along with it, flirted a bit, lead you on a bit and spend the entire weekend shagging...trust me I did find you attracive enough to manage that ;)
but then what? Change my MSE loggin, mobile number?...I certainly couldn't have looked you in the eye and said well actually all that sex was a mistake!
Had the circumstances been diffent and there had been less pressure...i.e. you making it apparent from the off what the sleeping arrangements were, then it might have been easier to just coast along and see what happened over a few days...in fact the whole reason I booked Pitlochry and changed the arrangements for picking you up at the airport was to give us a bit more time between meeting and "bedtime"
I'm sorry if that sounds a bit quaint..but like I've said I've done the casual sex thing and thats not what I'm about any more.
So knowing that I wanted to stay your friend, not use you like a rubber doll and throw you away (assuming you would have had me!)
I just wanted to get the hell out and get my head around how we could go on from there...admittedly I could have handled it better.
ps given everything I know about your past..I fully understand why you reacted in the way you did..I hope this clears up some of the stuff that must be flying about in your head. x
me:
thanks for that.
I shall be fully aware in future that when someone has booked a double room with only one bed apparent, I need to check where I am supposed to sleep. *rolls eyes* come on - be realistic
I don't want this to dissolve into some sort of grudge match. You don't fancy me and I don't fancy you and that is fine - I don't fancy any of my friends but can still spend a weekend with them and have a laugh - the deafening silence on saturday once I had been dropped at inverkeithing was hard to deal with and the lack of contact since (notwithstanding last night and today) was hurtful.
I haven't publicly slagged you off - I promise. Your identity has not been revealed in any way shape or form. and if you re read the baggage comments - I don't even relate it directly to you.
All my friends both on and offline are actually gobsmacked at how calm I am about all of this. I'm trying really hard not to be paranoid, but I am genuinely confused. less so now that you have explained so thank you for that
I see now that in your opinion I did something wrong regarding the sleeping arrangements, and I apologise for making assumptions, a quiet comment at the time might have made a difference - after all the dogs bed was already designated as the sofa although I am sure I would have been more comfortable on it than he was.
I'm not sure what else to say now or what to do. perhaps a chat on the phone might be a good plan at some point in the not too distant future.
him:
Sokay
but just to clarify..I didn't mean to imply that you had done anything wrong with regard to anything..I fully accept it was pretty much down to my (surprising) lack of ability to deal with the situation, it's not like me at all and I don't want to use a lame excuse like all the crap at work...cos to be honest...I have know idea.
and what do you mean you didn't fancy me?? I'm braw ;)