v's virtual vacuum
Wednesday, Jul. 20, 2005
more moaning - just move on and ignore it if you want
for some strange reason I had a dream last n ight that I think waas about someone that I read on diaryland (but that doesnt read here). he and I were having a sort of affair - it didnt play out like a "normal" affair - whatever that is, I think we were even hiding from ourselves that it was happening. lots of notes being left for each other (in real life) and we stayed over night int he same house but not in the same room or even on the same floor and both of us were tired the following morning having had a sleepless night wondering what the other one was doing.most odd.
but then benny came back into my thought. and I miss him. terribly. awfully horribly so much that it makes my stomach wrench and my eyes well up with tears when I think about him, it wouldnt be fair to contact him to tell him about the latest series of dramas.
what doesnt help is that I had a row with andy last night and I am still really cross with him about the whole situation. I think andy was my replacement for benny and now the minute I get cross with andy I want to go running back to benny. I'm a bitch. really I am. totally fucking crap and broken and a bitch.
I've arranged to stay with a friend of mums on monday night in woodingdean near brighton, in the vague hope that I might see the policeman that stood me up a few weeks ago (before he went on a long holiday to new zealand). I still have an odd feeling about that one that I cant quite put my finger on. I think he just wants a shag although he says not but I get the distinct feeling that hes jsut in it for the short term. which isnt a bad thing if hes honest about it - but its not my style.